How Can I Help IF I'M TOO BUSY WITH WORK?

I did not intend to write a post that addresses how our lack of time hinders us from helping. However, I listened to a recent episode of Krista Tippett's radio show, On Being, (I listen to it all the time and highly recommend it!) that inspired me to expand my idea of what "help" is. In this episode, Krista Tippett interviews organizational psychologist and professor Adam Grant, author of Give and Take: A Revolutionary Approach to Success. Professor Grant has researched giving and has worked with organizations to integrate generosity in the workplace. He discovered several profound and surprising truths about human life and generosity, which he shared on the show and which I would like to share with you here.

In my first post on the blog, I described the hesitency I and others have to help, even when we know something is terribly broken in the world. I mentioned overwhelm and lack of information as two common hindrances. Professor Grant helped me to see two other very common hindrances to our helping: (1) We think generosity is something you practice outside of work. (2) Because we think generosity is something you practice outside of work, our scarce free time seems to be the only time to give; because free time is scarce, we find it difficult to find the time to help. 

I consider myself lucky in that I've experienced tremendous generosity and kindness in the various organizations I've worked for. Granted, most of those organizations are aimed at doing some kind of good (educating children, helping addicts gain freedom). However, I know that even organizations with the most noble causes can be toxic work environments. So, I don't feel guilty for laying out some ideas that may seem obvious:

You can give or help wherever you are - even at work.
Professor Grant rightly points out, "Most of us spend the majority of our waking hours at work. If generosity is a core value, which it is for most of us, why don't we think about generosity in the place where we spend most of our lives? We don't have to check our values at the office door." In fact, work ought to be the place where we give and help the most. Every day we go to work, we have the opportunity to have a positive impact on others, to help make others' lives a bit better. Even if our job is soul-sucking or boring or not fulfilling our truest calling, we can still practice generosity and kindness with our colleagues. Giving does not have to be something we do between 10-12 on Sunday at the soup kitchen. Giving can be a way of being in the world, a way of interacting with others.

You actually succeed more when you feel like you are of service to others.

Giving is doing something for someone else and not expecting anything in return. Human beings actually love giving. Even if it requires that we deplete something that is ours - our time, money, resources, energy - giving actually feeds us in a very deep and sustaining way. When we give, we are not, as we might fear, compromising our own professional success.

Using your Giving Muscle makes it stronger.

The more often we give, the better we get at understanding what people need. Giving takes practice. It requires developing a genuine concern for the people around you. Sometimes little favors go a very long way: helping someone carry something, holding the door open, bringing water, etc. Ask yourself, how can I make this person's day, week, life a little better?

Successful givers consider who, when and how they help.

The person who helps anyone, at any time, in any way, is at risk of being taken advantage of and of burning out. Selflessness is not a virtue here. It is worthwhile to consider the reputation of the person/organization to whom we are giving; to safeguard the time we need to advance our own goals; to give in ways that will not deplete our time/resources so much that we become resentful or incapable of giving anymore. 

Givers are not necessarily nice.

Even curmudgeons can be kind and generous. And agreeable, polite people are not necessarily giving or genuinely concerned about others. Kindness and generosity are values that transcend charisma and social grace. While I would hope that a person's social affect reflects her values, it is worthwhile to look beyond a person's presentation to find out what she actually does in the world. While I am not encouraging us to forget our manners, I am encouraging us to practice a different sort of evaluation of others and to be truly active givers.

The 5 Minute Favor

In his book and during the interview, Professor Grant shares writer Adam Rifkin's idea of the Five Minute Favor, born in Silicon Valley among successful professionals. As Grant puts it, when you offer someone five minutes of your time -- making a professional connection, sharing a helpful piece of knowledge, etc. -- you can actually change someone's life. And it doesn't cost you anything. This practice really expands what giving/helping can look like and could increase our chances of offering help.

How Can I Help PROMOTE PEACE IN ISRAEL?

At this moment, the conflict in Israel overwhelms and saddens me more than any other world crisis. Having come to study in Jerusalem for the year, I find that I have planted myself and my family in the heart of this war. Being here during this past week of violence, reading about attacks taking place just minutes from where I live and experiencing the palpable fear on the streets, has made me aware of my previous default attitude toward the conflict: that of an immune voyeur. 

In the US, I could afford to examine the issues from a distance, with care and curiosity and frustration. I could read the news and the articles responding to the news, sit in shul and listen to sermons supporting/criticizing/mourning the state of things over there, and wonder about what can be done both to realize the zionist dream of a democratic, Jewish state and to protect the lives, homes and dignity of Palestinians. Even while living in Jerusalem four years ago and during the month prior to these attacks, I believed deep down I was not really a part of this. I enjoyed experiencing Israel, even in Israel, at a safe distance. 

But now I am living in Jerusalem at a time when people are stabbing and shooting people, apparently at random. And I am afraid. I am afraid every time I board a bus that a fellow passenger will stab me. I am afraid of leaving my baby at daycare. I am afraid of walking in busy pedestrian areas on my way to buy milk. And I'm afraid of what my fear is doing to my imagination and outlook; yesterday I observed myself racially profiling every person I passed on the street, with the hope of avoiding the kind of person I imagine might attack me and my baby. I have nightmares about visiting Palestinian neighborhoods for the sake of peaceful dialogue and being threatened by men wielding bloody machetes. For the past four days, I have not been able to take a deep breath, even when I've tried. I have been forcing myself to eat in spite of my total lack of apetite; I am constantly nauseous and filled with dread. Every time I kiss my husband before he goes out to grab groceries or take out the trash, I kiss him extra hard and command him to be safe and text me updates on his status. 

My Israeli friends tell me westerners are just not made for the Middle East; we are not built for terror or the harsh reactions to it. They advise me to do what Israelis do: be cautious but carry on with your routine. A teacher of mine who has been living here for 20 years tells me that, during waves of violence like this, he just ignores it. 

I went to another teacher asking him for some consolation: how long do you think this will last? am I safe to ride the buses? are we ok? To each answer he responded honestly, "I just don't know." He tells me that he has not seen Israelis this frightened in a long time and that there's no way of knowing how long this wave of violence will last, whether it will escalate or die down, whether it will inspire long-term change or just affirm and perpetuate hatred and violence. He says something else that continues to echo in my mind: We all live according to a story; people here kill for their stories. 

No longer immune, no longer a voyeur, I am now feeling real fear. I am getting a taste of what Israelis feel when these waves of violence suddenly crash - and perhaps also a taste of what Palestinians feel even more constantly, unable to take care of basic needs without feeling threatened. Feeling this fear makes knowing what to do, how to help, even more difficult. The issues are old, messy and life-threatening.

That being said, I still want to help.

In an article posted Friday in the Times of Israel, addressing the fear among Jews living in Jerusalem, David Horovitz writes: "Ultimately, the only way to thwart people bent on murder, with their minds poisoned by racism and religious extremism, is to curb the flow of toxicity. Different lessons at school; different priorities and values from spiritual leaders; different messages from political leaders; different approaches on mainstream and social media." While he wrote this prescription in reference to the Palestianian population, I chose to take more universal guidance from it: Jews and Muslims, Palestinians and Israelis, citizens and voyeurs, all of us must actively "curb the flow of toxicity" to bring about lasting peace and dignity for every human living on this tiny strip of land. 

So let's rephrase: How can I help to CURB THE FLOW OF TOXICITY?

Below is an incomplete list of ideas I have to help curb toxicity. Be warned that these suggestions require internal work! I honestly do not think there are simple, one-time-only ways to do this. 

1. Start With Yourself:

Take inventory of your own beliefs, uncertainties and fears. Cultivate an awareness of these so that when you speak and act, you do so with honesty and humility. Go about this self-investigation with curiosity and compassion. Allow yourself to acknowledge feelings and beliefs that you are inclined to reject because they conflict with who you think you are supposed to be (e.g. liberal, pro-Israel, anti-Israel, reasonable, intellectual, independent, put together, etc.). Be open to examining what you are inclined to ignore, minimize or avoid. Ultimately, aim to answer the questions: What matters most to me? What am I afraid of? What do I struggle most with? How can I improve as a citizen of the world?

An excellent resource for going about this self-investigation is a 4th Step Worksheet (from the 12 Steps practice), which invites you to examine your resentments and fears. Completing this worksheet can help uncover our true beliefs about ourselves and our relationships. This revelation can in turn inspire openness to new and better ways of acting in the world. I highly recommend completing this process with a partner - someone you trust - to support one another and to hold each other accountable. You can schedule times to sit and write and times to share and process what you are discovering about yourselves. You can complete this worksheet in a journal:

A. Resentments

Column 1: List all people, places, things, institutions, ideas or principles with which you are angry with, resentful of, feel hurt or threatened by. What are some situations that upset you? (Resentment = a persistent feeling of ill will and suppressed anger caused by a sense of an injustice, injury, offense, or wrong done / to resent basically means to feel again strongly or to re-live again.)

Column 2: Write the reasons for your resentments: why are you resentful at __________? What about them, they, or it make you angry? List all the reasons you have for each name in column 1. You could have more than one resentment toward each person, place or thing. What happened? Be specific: why were you angry, hurt, or threatened?

Column 3: Check off which part of your self was affected (self-esteem, pride, pocketbook, emotional security, ambitions, personal relations, sex relations).

Column 4: Here we list our part in the resentment - list where you are at fault. What's the truth here? Where was my responsibility in this resentment? What part do I own? What might I have done differently?

B. Fears

Column 1: List your fears.

Column 2: What was the harm done by the fear to yourself or others?

Column 3: Why do you have these fears?

Column 4: What could you have done instead?

2. In Your Community:

I have a few ideas for how to decrease toxicity in your community (this could be your spiritual community, your workplace, your family, etc.):

-If your group wishes to discuss a difficult topic (ahem, Israel, for example), write up a Communication Agreement that delineates guidelines for creating a safe space and speaking honestly and respectfully. Appoint a skilled mediator to emcee the conversation. Your main goal should be to make it possible for people to feel like they can be themselves and speak their truth without being resented, ostracized or attacked. The inevitable discomfort people may feel should be productive and heart-opening, not alienating.

-Try this: For every act of violence and hatred committed somewhere in the world, you commit one random, senseless act of kindess and love in your community. Be the change you wish to see; enact the kind of actions you imagine would take place in a peaceful world. Fear and violence breed fear and violence. In response to fear and hatred, take on the practice of responding with loving attention in your local environment. 

3. In Israel: 

See #1 and #2. In addition, there are many organizations in Israel that give Israelis and Palestinians the opportunity to hear one another, create together, and work together for a peaceful solution. By not assuming that our story is the only story, our narrative the only true narrative, we decrease toxicity. By sharing our love for our story without feeling ashamed or afraid, we decrease toxicity. A few such organizations are Givat Haviva and Encounter. Just by spending time in Israel with the intention of actively experiencing life on the ground helps one to understand and become humbled by the depth of complexity of the conflict. 

How Can I Help SYRIAN REFUGEES?

Five ways you can help Syrian refugees TODAY:

1. Help With HIAS
2. Help With Masorti Olami: make a contribution and direct it to their Germany refugee relief
3. Give $2 to a Syrian Orphan
4. Learn About the Crisis
5. Get Involved in the conversation about a possible kindertransport for Syrian refugee children: 
1. PRI article
2. The Spectator article

How Can I Help if I DON'T HAVE MUCH CA$H?

I am often discouraged from helping a cause because I am on a tight budget. How can I give if I am just trying to get by myself? On the one hand, I challenge myself and others to consider our enormous privilege as Americans (most of my "needs" are in fact luxuries when I consider that millions of people around the world are living without plumbing or A/C). On the other hand, saying to ourselves: "You are greedy and selfish" does not exactly inspire moral action. While both acknowledging our privilege and honoring our need to feel taken care of, I offer you three easy ways to give when you are strapped for cash:

1. Turn Your Occasions into Blessings: If you are celebrating a special event in your life or honoring the loss or memory of someone you love, invite your family and friends to make a donation to an organization of your choice. Your mom was already going to buy you a birthday gift, so why not have her use that money to fund a cause you've really been wanting to support? ... Getting married? Had a baby? In addition to registry gifts, you can invite your family and friends to make a donation in your honor. SoKind Registry is an alternative registry "that encourages the giving of homemade gifts, charitable donations, second-hand goods, experiences, time, day-of-event help, and more." 
2. Tap into Your Talents (or someone else's): Are you a writer? A musician? A potter? Use your skills for a good cause. Help your local community's Committee to End [Gun Violence, Homelessness, Racism, etc.] by writing a killer PSA. Throw a benefit concert in your back yard. Donate the funds from selling your beautiful ceramics or jewelry. Feel empty of talent? I highly doubt that you are but if you don't feel like your talent is marketable, encourage friends who have mad skills to do a project for Good.
3. Make It a Practice: Helping doesn't have to be an occasional, big-deal thing. We can give our time and hands often for short periods. Carve out regular times in your week or month, schedule it on your calendar, put a reminder in your phone, and plan to spend 10 minutes, half an hour, an hour, helping someone. Make it simple and doable so you don't have an excuse to cancel. Pick someone or something you want to help: take an elderly friend for a walk outside; go buy a nutritious meal and give it to the first homeless person you see; attend a meeting at your shul, mosque, church, meditation center, to learn more about a local or global crisis; pack up your compostables and bring it to a community garden; volunteer your time at a local non-profit. Invite friends. Bring coffee. Get your kids involved. 

About This Blog

I Want to Help is a resource hub for doing good.

This blog was born after years of feeling at once overwhelmed by the world's brokenness and urgently inspired to help. Often we think, "Global warming? How can little me make an impact on such a monumental crisis? Syrian refugees? How can I, way over here, with not much cash to spare, help these people?" As we know, when everyone feels this way and instead chooses to throw their hands up in resignation, nothing changes. Besides overwhelm, a further obstacle to our helping is plain lack of knowledge - about the issues or about the practicalities of helping. This further distances us from the opportunity to do something, however small. The more people decide to help, the greater possibility of effective and positive change.

This blog gathers resources and access points for people who want to help. It specifically addresses issues which we are most overwhelmed by, most disinclined to make an effort in. It offers diverse ways to help - not only with your wallet but with your voice, your ears, your wit, your presence, your hands, your time, your attention, your phone, your musical talent, etc.

Please be in touch if you have creative ways or excellent resources for doing good.

Each of us can make a difference!

Kyle